I have been spending the last month giving free advice on a dating forum.
Although somewhat time-consuming, it is fun for me, since I am talking about a topic that I am very passionate about.
I also like seeing positive change, be it in myself or others. It is nice when someone actually gets that light bulb moment, and you can see it in their response. That is rewarding for me.
Needless to say, I spent slightly more time in the online dating section of the forum.
The requests are the same, for the most part – profile evaluations, as well as questions about the conversations they are having.
Both types of queries may be different, but the core issue is the same.
A lot of men are failing at online dating because their mentality is not even tuned properly towards it. There is a lack of critical thinking towards this subject, and a whole lot of misunderstanding as well.
So what’s the difference between online, and approaching someone on the streets?
The main difference is the lack of body language.
If you wanna include the fact that a woman can ignore you easier, that’s another one. But I do not see this as an issue, simply because if you strive to become an attractive stand-out in the online world (as with the same in person), you SHOULD NOT get ignored. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
The lack of body language means that you gotta compensate with something else. Since there are only words and pictures that you can present online, then you might as well make full use of that.
Unfortunately, a lot of men are not doing so.
The pictures I have seen in the profile evaluation requests are dull in colours, which does not capture the eyes at first glance. Beyond that, the pictures do not strive to portray their personalities in the best way possible.
I also see a lot of selfies. I never quite saw the point of a selfie, but let’s leave that to the womenfolk. As the ones normally being chased, they can get away with a lot. We can’t.
Your pictures should always strive to complement your profile in terms of congruency. I don’t think a lot of people see that as well. You can’t expect to have awesome profile descriptions, only to look so different to what you sound.
Fortunately, most guys don’t have this problem. Unfortunately, that’s because they sound as mundane as they look.
My suggestion is that you work on changing some aspects of your lifestyle in order to get some really good pictures, and have more interesting things to talk about. It’s the long way, and you don’t get any short cuts, but in the long run, it is better for you.
That’s the important aspect regarding pictures and profile descriptions. Moving forward, the messages I have seen sorely lack a game plan.
There is an objective, no doubts. The objective is to get the girl’s number and move things towards offline. That is good. Absolutely nothing wrong since that’s how it’s supposed to be.
But in between the initial first message and the number, a lot of people just don’t have a plan. They rush things. They “skip steps”.
They fail to take the woman’s comfort level into consideration.
All they see is “the number”. It is like a holy grail. For a lot of guys, it’s simply, “I must get there fast”.
Forget about that. The process is what you should be focusing on. Make her laugh, have a good time yourself, enjoy the banter. Let the conversation flow more organically, as you get to know one another.
Why do you want to focus on the short term, and push for the number? Why do you want to have an interaction that is so based on “rules” (get the number fast and don’t waste time chatting)?
There is a huge fallacy in this thinking. Everything is NOT easier once you get her number. I am sure a lot of us can attest to that, when I say that we’ve been ignored or blocked by women on text. Getting the number means nothing. For that matter, getting her out means nothing too.
Just in case you are unaware, almost every guy is doing the same thing. That doesn’t make you stand out. It just makes you the same.
You want to punt for the long term. If you can get her out, have a good time, and then get her chasing you eventually, that will be something. That should be your objective right from the very start.
Why think small when you can go big? Do you want to get the girl, or do you want to keep her? This is regardless of whether you want her for a relationship or not. An attractive man has options. Her chasing you gives you an option.
Having said all that, this also does not mean that you should take your own sweet time and chat for a month before meeting up. There’s no need for that. You can still focus on your short/mid-term goals. You just gotta be more opportunistic instead.
You want to look out for, and be able to capitalise on the right moments to get her number, to ask her out, and to verbally escalate the conversation towards a more intimate nature.
This is the game plan that I am talking about. This is the part that’s not gonna happen organically unless you make it so.
As the man, you are responsible for leading her towards all that.
Your interaction, therefore, should consist of points. For a start, the first point is to get her contributing. Once you’ve hit that point, you know that it is a good time to move the interaction towards talking about the possibility of a date.
When you’ve hit that, the next point is naturally moving the interaction towards a more intimate nature. These are all moments that you have to guide her towards. You just have to look out for windows of opportunity.
They are also progressive steps. But they can intertwine with each other, because of the dynamism in a human interaction.
So, don’t be stiff about “rules”. Strive to be flexible. All that I mentioned above, you could even skip if she asked for the number first. But the process is always the same – she has to be comfortable with you first before she meets you.
If you actually bear that in mind as you go about with your interaction, you will definitely see an improvement in the way she reacts, and your overall success rate will go up naturally.