In the years since I’ve started coaching, I’ve noticed plenty of patterns from both men and women in the ways they message on dating apps.
For example, most women type really short messages (but you already know that). Which makes it hard for us to progress towards a date.
Or they tend to disappear when you start making plans.
But we’re not going to talk about the problems women bring to the table. We cannot control their behaviour, but we can control ours.
Today, I want to look at the many reasons why you’re not getting dates with your Tinder / Bumble matches, or whatever dating apps you’re using.
This article will be focused entirely on the things we – as men – tend to do wrongly on dating apps, which make a woman lose interest in us.
(If you feel like you can do no wrong in your interactions with women, if you always think women are just being very picky and you’re the victim of their unrealistic expectations, then stop reading because this article will not help you.
But if you believe both men and women can improve on their interactions, then keep going.)
And the most common complaint we ever hear from women is our conversations are…
This does not need further explanation. But I wish to add 2 reasons why women say so.
Most men tend to ask a series of basic questions right from the start, such as:
“What do you do for work?”
“Why are you on <dating app>?”
“Where do you live?”
“What do you do for fun?”
What she wants is a feel-good vibe from the conversation. If you’re asking the same questions as her last 73 matches, it tells her you won’t be different from them, and therefore, she’ll be bored soon enough.
So the trick is to ask open-ended questions to inspire a natural flow to the conversation. That allows you to make interesting statements or share your own thoughts as well.
Another reason is because most men let the conversation become mundane as time passes.
They start to run out of ideas on what to say, and revert to typical questions such as:
“How was your day?”
“How did you spend your weekends?”
“What are you up to right now?”
“Where are you going?”
Responding to her reply with a statement and then, “What about you?”
When that happens regularly, you know the conversation is on its path to a natural death.
As men, we’re expected to lead the conversation. And women want to follow your lead.
But most men don’t know how to lead properly.
You may have let the conversation wander, instead of redirecting it towards what matters most — making it personal between you and her.
And when conversations wander, things can go bad.
For example, you may end up sharing your thoughts on a movie and that can lead to the both of you making movie recommendations for each other.
If you don’t make use of that opportunity to suggest watching a movie together, then that’s bad leading.
Or… if the conversation moves towards other topics and does not end with you suggesting an activity together, or deepens your connection… then you’re not really leading.
So for a start, the key is to always redirect the conversation — whichever direction it may be heading in — towards an activity the both of you can do together.
After that, it’s just a matter of settling the time and place (logistics) for the date.
One of the many lessons you may have learnt from dating apps is… there’s no need to keep texting.
After all, if you can get the date sooner rather than later, why not?
But this is where a lot of men mess up again.
And you may have made the same mistake too.
Instead of making sure the girl feels good about the interaction and getting her comfortable with you first, you try and get a date after exchanging a few texts.
In fact, some dating coaches like to talk about getting a date within the first 5-10 texts.
Now there’s nothing wrong with that.
But every woman is different. Some are happy to go on a date after exchanging a few texts, but most seem to prefer to wait it out just a little. They want to text a bit more before trying to set something up.
They want to have more assurance that if they met you, things wouldn’t be weird and awkward.
They want to know you’re going to be good company, not like a lot of the other men they’ve met before… who doesn’t bring them any joy on the date.
So… instead of rushing to get the date, I’ve learnt to create quick rapport with my match, get some banter going… to show her the date is gonna be fun, before making plans to meet.
And this strategy has worked out pretty damn well for me. I get very few flakes, and most women are happy to meet me for a date.
This is a very easy mistake to make.
In fact, I dare say many of you are unaware of it.
And that’s because when the both of you are trying to learn more about each other, it’s easy to let the conversation turn into a simple back-and-forth information exchange.
This is what that looks like:
You — I am quite the movie buff. But when I’m hanging out with my friends, we always want to do something different. Last week, we were at the carnival!
Her — Oh I love movies too. But only romantic comedies lol. I also enjoy hiking. Nature helps me take away the stress from work, so I’m either walking the trails or at the beach.
You — Have you tried the Greenworth Scenery Trail then? I really enjoy the view of the city from the top. Sometimes, my buddies and I drive up there and just drink at night while looking at the city lights.
Now, that’s not terrible conversation. But it’s an information exchange. You share something about yourself, and she shares something about herself.
Imagine the above conversation as two lines running parallel to each other.
Those lines never touch.
And if you wish to get the date, she has to be able to imagine the both of you doing things together. That means her line and yours has to touch at some point.
Compare that to this:
I could have shared my own adventure experiences and show that we have common interests.
Instead, I chose to build togetherness.
I imply we should do physical activities together:
And I think you can help me lessen my guilt (of not exercising in the month of December)
I also talk about wanting to hear her travel stories. And I created a mental image of us sharing our stories till the cafe closes.
She was receptive. So this happened next:
This is also an example of how I led the conversation. She followed naturally by agreeing we should trade stories. Now I have a reason to ask for her number.
I could choose to do it right after this reply of hers, or I could do a callback later in our conversation and ask then, which is what I opted to do because I wanted to build more quick rapport first.
There are actually plenty more reasons why you may not be getting dates with your dating app matches.
But I’ve discovered from years of coaching experiences that these 4 reasons are the most common ones that eventually kills the conversation before the date happens.
I dare say this:
If you’re able to remove these 4 issues from your conversation game, you’ll notice it’s much easier to get dates with your matches.
But hey, don’t take my word for it. Try it and let me know!