Stay away from the typical openers most men might send.
Your opener can get a good conversational momentum going. Think 1 step ahead.
2 different ways to respond, if she messages first.
Let’s talk openers. Or rather, the first message you send to your Tinder/Bumble/dating app matches.
Here’s my very simple thinking on openers: if you get a reply, that means it works.
But the success rate in getting a response is important too.
So a simple “hi” can work. If you’re getting a reply once every 100 matches though, then you’ll want to change your approach.
The good news is, you don’t have to change it very much. You just have to be different enough from the typical first messages other men send.
For example, at least 60% of men will send a message like this:
“How are you?”
“How’s it going?”
“How’s your weekend?” … on a Monday.
“How was your Christmas?” … on the day after Christmas.
Then there are those who will send compliments:
“You look so amazing.”
“Hey, I am <name>. By the way, You have gorgeous eyes. They make you look really sexy.”
The rest of the crowd will send a more customized message:
“Hi <name>, I noticed you enjoy boxing classes. I think it’s the greatest workout. I love hitting the heavy bag. What’s your favourite part of boxing?”
“Good morning, <name>! I see you enjoy wine. We’re off to a good start. Red or white? I love a good Cab.”
“What’s the most epic thing you’ve ever seen in person?”
(By the way, these are all taken from Google, so I’m not making this shit up.)
Now, I’m not saying these are terrible messages. But hundreds of men are sending women such messages every day. So the question is, how can you stand out with your opener and messages, aside from your photos?
At the same time, I’d like to take things a bit further and ask you these simple questions:
What happens after your opener?
How are you going to continue the conversation and get a good momentum going?
Because if you want to get her number, you have to make her want to give it to you.
And the only way that is possible is if she likes you enough.
So, even though your opener may be completely different from the rest of your conversation with her… it will help if your opener can get a good momentum going.
That is my approach with the opener.
I want to stand out from the crowd, and get a fun/interesting conversation going… while keeping things simple enough.
Here are some ways I do that…
In one part of her profile, she had mentioned:
“I’m a horror fanatic (not suitable for guys with weak heart 😂). Let me know if you come across any shows that chillssssss you…”
So I decided to open with that since I love horror movies too. I used the opener to foreshadow a possible date idea.
If you’re in such a situation, my suggestion is not to let the conversation only circle around one topic. It’s very limiting and won’t go far. But you can always do a callback later when you start talking about the date.
And your opener can be very handy in such situations.
She mentioned this in her bio:
“I love new experience and am always up to try new things … I love traveling and what I like most about visiting new places is being able to learn about new cultures and the history that made the place special and unique.”
Somehow, that reminded me of Indiana Jones, so I decided to use that image and link that thought with her bio.
She replied by mentioning Lara Croft, and I saw the opportunity to build togetherness between the both of us right away, which is why I replied using the word “we”.
This lovely CMB match of mine included quite a bit of information in her bio, but nothing in it helped me with the opener, so I decided to make use of her photos to start the conversation instead.
Two things I noticed from her photos:
I like to use the word “adventure” because I can eventually talk about a fun and interesting date activity, and it’s also obvious she loves exploration from her photos.
So I linked the two observations I had, and created a simple first message.
Her bio was:
“Make yourself beautiful life around and let everyone feel that the meeting with you is a gift!”
One of the things I try to do right from the start of my conversation is to build togetherness.
With this lady, I started my opener by using “we” to build togetherness. And my punchline is… “we’ll be too precious for the world”.
It’s definitely not something she hears often at all, so the probability of her replying was a lot higher.
You can see the conversation changed very quickly from the opener. But I simply adapted to the flow and kept it going.
(She mentioned football because this happened during the World Cup season.)
Her photos were mostly selfies and her profile had no bio. But one of the options she picked under Basics (Communication Style) was “Big time texter” on Tinder.
I went with that. Obviously, having taught online dating for years, texting has become second nature to me. So I started with my opener, confidently suggesting we might have the most interesting conversation ever.
Once again, the conversation very quickly changed from the opener. But as I’ve mentioned earlier, I went with the flow and created togetherness almost right away.
But what happens if the woman messages first?
My simple rule is… if the woman says something I cannot really reply to properly, such as a “hi”, then I shall send her an opener as if she never messaged me first.
You can see my example above.
We had matched each other exactly the day after Valentine’s Day. So I decided to use that to my advantage and be playful at the same time.
Her response was an agreement, which I used to escalate to suggest we might meet up some day.
The conversation naturally flowed to me finding out more about her logistics. In this case, how long before she left Singapore. That information is important, because otherwise I might end up arranging a date only after she’s left.
But because I know her logistics now, I was able to meet her before she left for home for a month.
And what if you were using Bumble, and the woman has to message first?
What if she sent you a message you could reply to?
This is where I would go with the flow, and use her response to craft out something more customized to our match.
In this example, she messaged first by mentioning the common district we were both living in. Bumble had stated she was living about 4 km away from me.
I used that to my advantage.
The area I live in has plenty of old folks. I’ve always felt it would be nice if I knew more friends younger or of my own age in my area. Unfortunately, most of my friends live further than that.
So, I merely said what I had always been thinking, and used the opportunity to build togetherness at the same time.
She also mentioned “horror” as part of her interests. I used that once again to build togetherness and we arranged a horror movie date very quickly after that.
My Bumble match had sent me a GIF as an opener, and the GIF was of a weird face rocking back and forth rapidly, which made me feel like I might get a seizure if I stared at it too long.
She had also mentioned she loved to write and dance. I personally love to write and dance as well, so I truly wanted to find out more about her love for both.
I used both that initial thought and curiosity to create a funny opener.
As you can tell from her reply, she liked it and responded very well. I used that to make another joke, which encouraged her to invest even more into the conversation.
Needless to say, I eventually got her number.
You want your opener to stand out, but you don’t wanna make it complicated. Keep it simple.
Typically, I take 2 ideas and link them together. The above screenshots are a very clear example of my thought process as I easily create simple but unique openers.
Is it guaranteed they’ll reply 100% of the time? No. But it definitely increased my chances of getting a response, and it’s worked very well for me over the years.
Don’t take my word for it though. Give it a try and see if your match responds well. You just may be surprised at how it can increase your response rate 😉