We can learn from both the good and the bad.
There are plenty of things we can learn from The Tinder Swindler, but I’m able to grab 5 very quick and easy-to-learn lessons from it:
Over the years, I’ve learnt dating lessons from the mistakes and successes of other men, simply from understanding how they behave in their relationships with women.
Simon Leviev (real name Shimon Hayut) from The Tinder Swindler may be a merciless conman — and I personally believe such men who act without conscience deserve the worst of what life can hand them — but as I watched the Netflix documentary, I see so many lessons I’ve learnt from my mentors and people around me.
On the superficial level, many may say his perceived wealth and status are what attracted his victims.
I’m not going to deny that. They can indeed be very alluring.
But I believe saying his victims fell for him only because of his “wealth and status” is a cop-out. You won’t do yourself any favours by limiting your perspective to those factors.
I see deeper lessons I’ve witnessed for myself many times, the little details that have helped me and plenty of other men (e.g. friends and students) attract the women we were interested in.
So here are 5 ways to attract women from The Tinder Swindler.
There’s just something very captivating about a man who carries himself well.
Think about the iconic attractive men on TV.
Men like Don Draper (Mad Men), Harvey Specter (Suits), or Chuck Bass (Gossip Girl).
At first glance, you may think they are handsome, which is what makes them attractive. Their good looks help a lot, for sure.
But imagine them without their good looks.
Think of the way they carry themselves instead. The way they maintain eye contact with someone. The way they speak — their tone and inflections, how they pause and slow down, how they are so composed.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lMbXoFH5jJM&t=80s
Think of their attitude. Their character. Their belief system. That inner confidence they possess.
That is swagger.
You can convey that too. It takes conscious intention at the beginning, but over time, it becomes a habit and you’ll naturalize the behaviour.
When Cecilie Fjellhøy and Pernilla Sjoholm (the first two women showcased in The Tinder Swindler) first met Simon Leviev, they found him very easy to talk to.
This is what Cecilie Fjellhøy said about her initial impression of him:
“Very quickly, he’d become very personal. And that’s what I liked about it.”
And this is what Pernilla Sjoholm said:
“A little bit short for my taste, was the first thing I was thinking. But he’s really easy to talk to. It’s quite rare that you meet someone and you have this instant connection.”
That instant connection they had, made both women feel comfortable immediately.
You can learn how to build an instant connection with a woman by reading this blog post on Quick Rapport.
The faster you get that connection, the better for you… because it feels like the both of you just naturally get along. You don’t have to manufacture it, or have forced conversations.
And since an instant connection doesn’t happen very often for people, it feels like serendipity. Women are very attracted to the idea that fate brought her and her ideal partner together.
In the documentary, Cecilie Fjellhøy was excited by the idea of flying in a private jet, something she’s never done before.
For most of us common folk, there’s no way in hell we’re able to afford a private jet.
But we want to focus on the fact she’s excited about doing something different. Something she can experience for the first time. Something she can tell her friends as a good story.
My girlfriend once recounted a story of an unusual first date she went on, with a guy she met on Hinge. They rode his bike from Singapore into Johor Bahru (Malaysia), which probably took less than an hour. And then they ate there before ending up at a beach.
It was a very different experience, as compared to the raft of coffee and dinner dates. In the words of my girlfriend:
“Those get old very quickly.”
And it was a simple date. Nothing expensive or fancy, since Malaysian food is pretty cheap.
So ask yourself this: What’s something new I can do with her, that other men have not done before on a first date?
Imagine you’re out with your favourite people, and you’re doing something fun and memorable. Everyone’s laughing and having the time of their lives.
You don’t want the day to end, but it does eventually. You go home on a high, and your mind is just replaying the day over and over again.
You want to experience more. You yearn for that high again.
Now imagine… if the night ended well and you left the date on a high note, how would she feel?
I bet she’s going to yearn for more.
This was exactly what happened with Cecilie Fjellhøy, when Simon Leviev ended the night after he got a series of phone calls.
It made her want more. She even mentioned she was disappointed because she wanted to “spend more time with him”.
Men often think being vulnerable is a bad thing, and it makes the woman lose attraction for them very quickly.
But I want to offer a slightly different perspective why this can be attractive.
First, anyone can get turned off by your vulnerabilities and insecurities.
This is not a “woman issue”. Men are the same too. But we are willing to accept our partner’s (or a potential partner’s) vulnerabilities and insecurities for a few reasons, and I wanna highlight three specific ones.
If you meet someone who seems perfect, you’ll be intimidated. You’ll feel like you cannot match up. And one of the very first things that will cross your mind is, “there has to be something wrong with this person.”
Being imperfect is also being very real.
Anyone who seems perfect is fake. Fake means you are subject to lies and deception. So as attractive as being perfect may seem, being real makes her feel safe. She feels like you can be reliable, and that is fundamentally important to anyone.
It’s normal to need occasional reassurances from our partner.
However, if you are habitually being asked to provide reassurances, this can be a turn off.
For example, if your partner is insecure about your relationship, and she constantly thinks you’re out to cheat on her, it will ultimately ruin your relationship. At the beginning, you may accept it and just reassure her that you’re being faithful. But as time goes by, it becomes tiring to revisit the same issue over and over again.
It’s the exact same situation for her. If she feels like she has to constantly deal with your insecurities, and you refuse to work on it, it becomes very tiresome and unattractive. Eventually, it can hit a breaking point. And that’s when the relationship unravels.
There are things about us that we deem as unlovable.
In the case of Simon Leviev, we could say “going to prison” was one of them.
When Cecilie Fjellhøy first met him, Simon Leviev seemed like he had wealth and status. He also carried himself well, was elegantly dressed, charismatic, and he offered an exciting first date experience. His ex-wife helped by talking him up as well.
These are like credit in the bank.
So when he was vulnerable with her after they slept together, it was only natural she accepted him for who he was, and was willing to overlook his flaw. Of course, his story was that he ended up in prison on false pretenses. But the idea of being in prison before can be a red flag for many.
So if you are worried your vulnerabilities and insecurities are a turn-off, understand that if you’ve worked on yourself and you’re constantly striving to become better, women may accept or even embrace you for who you are.
I strongly believe that when it comes to attraction, it is ultimately about who you are. There are many happy wives and girlfriends out there, whose boyfriends are not rich.
But they make their woman feel good. They give her great experiences.
Don’t get me wrong. Being rich helps. It can make your dating life infinitely easier. For starters, you won’t need to debate over who pays for dinner on the first date.
But being rich doesn’t make you fun or interesting. If you speak with a monotone and have a dull personality, she’s still not going to enjoy your company.
So we play to our strengths. We make use of what we have, to our best ability. And if she doesn’t like you after you’ve given your best, then she’s not the one for you. There’s always someone else who will appreciate you better.
